It’s an uncomfortable truth but the reality is, marriages can get stale really quick if both the husband and wife aren’t vigilant in pruning and tending the relationship.
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If you find yourself in the boat where you want to improve (or remain on top of) the quality of your relationship with your spouse, there are a few actions you can take that will deliver quick if not immediate results.
My Background:
I’ve been with my woman since 2003 and married to her since 2008. In that time, we’ve had two kids and dealt with all of the highs, lows, and everything in-between you can imagine yet still, we remain on top of our game.
- We’re healthier than we were 5 years ago and continue to raise that bar (literally)
- We’re smarter via the professional certifications were pursuing and the books we’re reading.
- We’re both getting wealthier by investing, budgeting, and eradicating debt from our lives.
More importantly that all of that is that as a couple we’re closer and as parents we’re united.
The laughs are plentiful, sex is great, children are happy, and we don’t have a care in the world of who does or does not approve of where it is we’re headed or how we operate as a couple.
This is all on top of improving ourselves as individuals which then improves the quality of the person we can give to each-other.
You can build that in your life, the steps below can get the process started.
1. Put The Pitch-Forks Down and Start It All Over
Rarely in life are you afforded the opportunity for a true “reset” and yet that’s exactly the gift which COVID has given you.
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With everything that has happened in the past year, you have an opportunity to completely overhaul the current routine of the life you’re living and this allows you the window to bring your wife and yourself back to your roots.
You need to get to working on getting everything re-prioritized to a focus on one another, just like when you were first married. It was the two of you against the world, what happened there?
Let me be clear here, I’m not saying it’s time to make you two who you were because I don’t have a time machine and you’ve grown and changed as a person;
The focus is to get your mind on the priorities you had in the beginning but the execution will get you and your wife to heights you’ve never reached before.
It isn’t about going back…
it’s about getting you heading somewhere better than the two of you have ever been; the world gave you a gift with this craziness of recent times, now you have to open and use it.
If there ever were a time to say, “Alright, what we’re doing isn’t working let’s make a change” the year that everything in the world has changed is a great window to take advantage of.
The anger, bitterness, stale daily routine, lack of sex, always walking on eggshells, animosity, etc. it’s not a healthy place to be and it is on you to start the process of fixing it.
All of the chaos we’ve experienced these past 8 months+ may seem like justification for you to shutdown; for those who are looking to improve the status of their lives and specifically marriages, we’re in an age of Post-Traumatic Growth Opportunities.
Let’s choose to drop the grudges and stop defaulting to pointing out everything wrong with the other person.
Let’s start the process of bringing in healthier routines like waking up earlier together, starting the day with peace and not “rushing around“, and doing more together as a family besides staring at a television screen or your phones while sitting side by side.
Stop looking, thinking, and acting like your under-sexed and overcritical friends.
The aim shouldn’t be to match the masses. The aim should be to live an above average life; wives shouldn’t view their husbands as overgrown children and they shouldn’t swoon over TV stars or Athletes, they should look to their husbands and the source of their primal lust as a woman.
The same with men, you shouldn’t view your wife as a “ball & chain” or “the nag at home“; your woman should be the chick who gets you crazy and is that feminine balance who should be the Queen to the kingdom you’re building.
Jackie isn’t a negative or “Mommy” figure in my life, she is my woman and we are marching forward together as a united front.
She makes my life easier…
2. Laugh More and Stress Less
Life is too short to take it too seriously.
What happened to the light-hearted joking, belly laughs, and mystery between the two of you?
Listen to Jackie and I on the most recent Podcast we recorded together: Ep. 126: Jackie Joins Me for a Q & A, 2020 Review, and 2021 Expectations
(You can tell the status of our Marriage in the first 30 seconds)
You need to drop the seriousness in all matters;
it’s okay to laugh and have a good time in life. It’s okay to joke around, it’s perfectly fine for the two of you to continue acting like High School sweethearts and doing things like randomly stopping to jump in the ocean on drives, or cruising to “make-out point“, or even allowing the undertones of sexual energy in the day to day.
When did the lust, desire, teasing, and care-free nature disappear?
Was it a gradual decay or did you simply stop with the youthful attraction and playfulness the day your first child was born and you became “CoParents” as Mom and Dad instead of lovers…?
Give some real time to assessing this; take an inventory over what is working, what isn’t, and what the driving force behind the shift was.
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It’s okay to laugh together.
It’s okay to not take one another so seriously.
It’s okay to look to your wife and laugh because life is absurd, none of it makes sense, and that’s the beauty of it all.
Jackie and I can’t do anything without laughing; it’s ridiculous and if anyone thinks it’s a problem, that’s their problem to figure out because we truly don’t give a fuck and are happy as can be.
Bring that back to you and your woman’s day to day; get back to doing what you used to do prior to finding life so damn stressful that you told yourself you weren’t allowed to laugh.
3. Remind Her She Is Your Woman
I’ve been with Jackie since I was 16 years old and throughout that time we’ve lived in multiple states, homes, and had multiple jobs yet the consistent there was her and I.
Throughout it all she was my woman.
Before her job, before being a mother, before any other title she has held she is my woman and while the Manosphere will espouse the belief that “She’s not yours, it’s just your turn” I will counter with that’s fine, my turn is going to be a solid turn.
I’m not afraid of losing Jackie, she knows where the door is and she’s always welcome to leave. The same for myself, we aren’t together by obligation, but rather by choice.
Since we’re choosing to remain together, it’s important that we value one another and take pride in each-other.
When I see my woman crushing it, I’m proud of her truly proud and rooting for her because she’s awesome and crushing it.
When is the last time you allowed yourself to look at your woman and see a source of pride and joy?
Your woman is yours, you need to own that and take pride in it. Her development, current status, and the direction she is headed in reflects who you are as a man.
Whenever I see a nagging wife or disgruntled woman who can’t be bothered to change out of her pajamas before heading out of the house, I know there’s a weak man somewhere in there.
Your girl has your name, you need to ensure that she is living up to the standard you hold to be true. The issue here is twofold.
- You aren’t meeting the standard yourself, if that’s the case you need to read this.
- You don’t understand that people perform to the level you accept, not the one you expect.
You need to invest the time in getting both you and your lady on the same page so instead of constantly getting at one another’s throats, you can take those moments to sit back and look at all she has done and take it in as a proud husband and man.
These actions can turn your entire marriage around and instead of looking forward to deaths door, you’ll fight tooth and nail to live as long as you can with your lady getting after life day in and day out to the very last second.
Most marriages can be better than they are, it takes work but if you do it right, there’s no greater gift that you can give to yourself (the two of yourselves). Why spend another moment living in a sub-optimal relationship?
Put in the work and win together.
Acta Non Verba,
Zac Small
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Thank you to those who do, your support of my work allows me to continue doing what I love while leading my family and helping men and women take responsibility for the direction of their life again.
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