Marriage and Long Term relationships tend to get stale; that doesn’t have to be the case.
You can keep your relationship fresh or you can turn things around by taking a few intentional actions in your day to day.
I shared this tweet and the response was quite positive, people were surprised that with the time we’ve been together (since 2003) that my wife and I would still be at this level, yet here we are.
The key to success is hiding in plain sight and you’ll see by the 10 action items I offer below that you can get started down this course today.
How to Maintain A Healthy Marriage
If you’re reading The Family Alpha then you’re most likely married or in a long term relationship (which I view to be over 1 year).
Daily interactions with the same person inevitably leads to some form of complacency which is significantly amplified in the eyes of your spouse.
It’s human nature, the more youâ€™re exposed to a stress the more you adapt to it, ultimately becoming completely desensitized (i.e numb).
How is it that I’ve been able to maintain a healthy sexual relationship complete with genuine attraction, enjoyment and overall a good time with my wife when so many men out there aren’t.
To write this piece I had to look at our relationship from the outside in; I went through the steps Iâ€™ve taken to keep her on her toes and am going to share them here with the hope that some of these actions may be applicable to your situation.
After reading listen to my podcast on ‘3 Ways to Reduce Stress in Your Marriage’
Keep in mind, as you read on I’m providing you with my perspective and approach to maintaining what I view to be a “successful” marriage.
Always cater your approach to your girl, keeping at the forefront of your mind that your mileage may vary and what works for me may implode when you apply it.
When you read my advice you’ll see it runs counter to a majority of information out there. Ask yourself this, if main-stream advice worked, would you need to be reading this at all?
Women do not love you the way you love them, do not expect your woman to behave the way men do.
You may be content with your lady just the way she is; from now until death comes knocking on your door – She doesn’t feel love the same way
I know many men who can eat the same meal day after day and wear the same style clothes year after year (Want to fix that style issue? Work with Tanner Guzy) but women need spice in their life, they need you to stop being so damn predictable.
You mustÂ understand that it is squarely on your shoulders, as the man, to keep the relationship interesting lest you fall into the void of apathetic living which is a hell of nothingness.
As men we are the more romantic of the sexes and it only makes sense that the burden of performance lands on our shoulders when it comes to keeping things interesting both inside and out of the bedroom.
We have to embrace the challenge and find comfort in the discomfort of knowing society is structured in such a manner that the cards are stacked against us and even knowing that, we can still win.
As with all of my writing, keep what you think will work, disregard the rest.
1. You Need to HaveÂ Sex Outside The Bedroom
One of the biggest routines couples find themselves in is only having sex in the bedroom and only at night.
You are adults; you no longer have to sneak around your parentâ€™s house to hook up. The problem is that this a part of the issue; that sense of “being naughty” is removed.
Here’s a way to make it fun again, you are (probably) living in your own place, so claim it all.
Have sex in every room, on every piece of furniture, at any point during the day.
Kids are napping? Sex on the couch.
Wife is doing dishes? Pick her up, carry her to the garage, pin her to a wall, and make out with her hard and fast; then leave and go sit somewhere with a book. Sheâ€™ll be in the garage wondering what in the actual fuck just happened to her.
The reasoning behind this action is twofold.
1) You’re breaking routine by sexually enjoying one another in a â€˜foreignâ€™ place.
2) Youâ€™re also making new sexy inside jokes & memories with your lady.
For Example: When you have company over and someone asks if the table they are leaning against is sturdy, you and your wife will flash back and smile to the time you took all of her on that exact table. You can then give a confident “yes” and let others see the smile you two sneak to each other, let them wonder what that moment was about.
Whenever you’re in any room or looking at a piece of furniture in your house, it will have a story.
(Make sure you clean up after yourself, don’t be gross)
2. Surprise Your Wife With a Vacation
The routine of:
- wake up
- go to work
- come home
- weekend (time to “relax” again?)
- start it all over
Is all too common in our day and age.
People get stuck in these loops.
In the Navy I called it, â€˜Redundancy Without Progressâ€™ and in the military there is quite a bit of that, but I digressâ€¦
To break the loop in my life I had saved some cash specifically for aÂ trip, I didnâ€™t tell the wife anything. On a weekend where I knew we had nothing going on I booked us a room at the Great Wolf Lodge which is a hotel that is geared towards kids (waterpark, arcade, interactive stuff, etc.).
I messaged my wife and told her that when she got out of work (this was Friday) that she needed to pack our stuff for 3 days and be sure to include bathing suits and that we would be spending our weekend at the Lodge.
She responded with:
â€œWell what about the cat & dog?â€ (Iâ€™d handled it)
â€œ& Moneyâ€ (Iâ€™d handled it)
â€œThis is short noticeâ€ (I agreed).
I got home and she had everything ready (my wife is awesome).
The trip was great and she kept ranting and raving about how excited she was and that it was an amazing adventure and while many families were flailing and stressed out, we made memories because we had a plan and everyone knew what was expected.
(Follow your womanâ€™s behavior, not her words)
The key point to this trip was that I fully researched what I was trying to do. I knew the work schedule, our plans, school schedule, etc.
Make sure you’ve gathered all intel before trying to commence an operation of this magnitude, lest you become one of those men who has a grouch for a wife and children who, while surrounded by fun activities, are completely miserable.
3. You Need to Spice Up Your Sex Life
There is a time and place for the average, normal, standard missionary position and that time is not every time.
You need to ensure your sex life and bedroom is your play place (literally).
I advise that you turn sex with your wife into something that would come from a Lewis Carroll Novel; go down the rabbit hole together.
Yesterday I bought a bunch of those necklace glow sticks. We were at Dollar Tree when I saw them and an entire fantasy filled my mind, without telling anyone why, I put them into the cart.
Fast forward and itâ€™s getting dark outside so I let the kids crack a few of them and run around the yard. After a while they went to bed and I told my wife to go to the bedroom, get undressed, and to meet me in the shower.
I cracked the rest of the glow sticks and hung them everywhere.
I did this like Clark Kent changing into Superman, it took some skill and focus but I nailed it and had it glowing like a nuclear reactor within 2 minutes.
I had glow sticks around the shower head, the water knob, and the bar that holds the shower curtain. I even threw a few on the ground, just because.
When she came in it was game on.
After a while I got out, dried off and took a few of the glow sticks with me. She was drying off and I then staged them in our bedroom. I had them hooked to the fan, bedposts – everywhere, the great night continued.
Mixing up your sex life can be done any way youâ€™d like.
The limits to this are truly infinite and entirely up to you and your lady. You canÂ create the slutÂ if you create the environment that promotes slut behavior.
(Sex is supposed to be enjoyed, have fun with it)
4. You Need to Be More Interesting
Some men will read this list and think it’s some complex Rubikâ€™s cube of adviceÂ they have to solve.
I thought I was always supposed to be around, always giving attention and â€˜being thereâ€™ for my wife.
Women Talk, Men Do.
Let the women ponder all of the ramifications, you can just do.
Donâ€™t over think it; What does he mean be interesting? What am I supposed to do? Where should I go to be interesting and more mysterious in her eyes?
I have so much going on that my wife never really even asks me any more what I’m up to. She knows I’m doing big things and that makes me interesting and thus, attractive to her.
We both have things to talk to each-other about at the dinner table because we both work to improve ourselves individually which ultimately improves the quality of our relationship togehter.
EXAMPLE: I recently went hunting for the first time (Podcast on insights from that here and Part II here) you should be doing things which get you away from the family and building yourself up in order to remain interesting and a person of value within the family.
Man: â€œHey babe, Iâ€™m heading out/going to be working on X Iâ€™ll be back in like an hour.â€
Woman: â€œWhere are you going?/What are you doing?â€
Man: â€œOut/Who knows/Iâ€™ll figure it out when I get there/To Slay Dragons/To pick up a hooker/take photos/write somewhere/tell her exactly what it is, etc.â€ (Notice how it ranges from elusive, comical, literal, etc.) You don’t have to be a dick saying “ANYWHERE I WANT!“
Woman: This response depends on the frame from which your relationship operates.
Like I said, my wife would just “get it” at this point.
If you are working to re-establish your frame of reference, there may be push-back and rightfully so, this is a new behavior on your part and it’ll understandably rock her boat.
Maintain composure, there’s no need to get defensive or become a douche-bag, just confidently let her know there is nothing requiring your presence at the moment and there is something you need to work on.
It doesnâ€™t matter if all you do is drive to the closest parking lot and read a book. The point is, you need to become more comfortable doing things without your wife by your side.
Go to your local library and brush up on educational level (You are reading aren’t you?) you do whatever you need to do to ensure that youâ€™re making time for you.
Itâ€™s healthy and it allows your wife time to miss you; a concept I came across while reading a post over at The Red Pill Room run by Ian Ironwood.
Another important aspect to maintaining a healthy relationship is that you continue to develop as an individual as well as a couple. I said it before but I’m reiterating it here: there are things I do for me, things my wife does for her, and things we do together.
Your wife needs to miss you every now and then, more importantly you need to have an aspect to who you are as a man that she is not involved in.
If she isnâ€™t involved and you arenâ€™t spewing your life to her daily, then there is an element to you that she doesnâ€™t know, and that is a good thing.
(Mystery fosters attraction, remember don’t be predictable)
5. Is Being Romantic Good?
As men, we are the romantics.
If I ever text Jackie “I Love You” I always capitalize the words; I go out of my way to make the little things line up for her, and a whole host of other small deeds.
It will be dependent on the man, but remind yourself that youâ€™re doing these little things for you not her.
She is a woman and wonâ€™t see your actions the way you do, that shouldn’t bother you. I have no idea if Jackie notices the uppercase letters and I don’t care, I’m not trying to win points, I just like to do it.
Before I go on, let’s define what a covert contract is:
A covert contract is an agreement you have not overtly made, but one in which you believe is agreed upon with another party.
Common covert contracts in marriage are:
- You buy your wife a Valentine’s day gift; you expect sex.
- You start working out; you expect frequency of sex will increase immediately and compliments given.
- You do anything with an unstated expectation from another.
Own your actions without making any covert contracts, it’s not a this for that transaction, there shouldn’t be a scoreboard in a relationship because you’re both on the same team.
6. Lead Your Family to Better
You are The Family Alpha, the leader of your clan. How are they supposed to flourish under your guidance if you are unwilling to set aside time forÂ their development?
Your family needs more of your presence, not more presents.
My wife is a very organized individual who’s held a variety of different professional positions.
She has a solid understanding of early childhood development and dealing with special attention kids (as well as their parents), working in the medical field, and being a wizard when it comes to cosmetics, and is currently killing it in Real Estate.
With all of these great skills, the one she lacks is the ability to set goals for herself and to take actions towards those goals.
She says she wants to weigh a certain weight, run a certain time, and achieve a certain life goal. but when I ask how she is making progress towards those goals, her plan consists of aimless actions*.
*UPDATE: I’m proud to say that since I originally wrote this piece, my wife has broken this habit and she now plans the steps needing to be taken towards actualizing her goal and because of this she has been crushing it.
The reason I’m leaving this here is to show you, this can be learned and my wife is clearly an example of that.
This is where I fill my role as that of my family’s leader.
I sat my wife down and together we grabbed a notebook and individually wrote down what our short term goals were and then long term. We followed that up with writing out three actions we can start taking, now, to achieve those goals.
I don’t care what people say they’re going to do, I want them to tell me exactly how they’re going to do it.
Your wife needs you to help her stay on the straight and narrow.
If she is stagnant, donâ€™t come to me saying â€œmy wife is unmotivated, sedentary, addicted to wine and social media, etc.â€
This behavior didn’t creep out of nowhere, you’ve allowed her to get to this point. Similar to obese kids, it isn’t their fault they’re fat, they are eating what their parents provide.
You can create a woman who brings value to your life by being a man worthy of receiving that value.
Your wife is your best mirror,Â so why not dedicate the time to helping her and the rest of your clan get to where you want them to be? Their performance is a direct reflection of your ability as a leader.
Remember, people will rise to the standard you accept, not the one you expect.
This isnâ€™t just your wife; are you putting the necessary time in with your kids as well?
Your entire family is operating under your guidance. Set the time aside to mentor, assist, and guide them all and definitely make sure you’re dedicating an appropriate amount of time to read to your kids.
Your family needs a leader.
7. You Need to Instill Confidence in Your Woman
I believe that as men we are all Walking Our Path Alone. What I say will or won’t work in marriages is based solely off of my experience.
Iâ€™m not guessing when it comes to the advice I provide, these things have worked and I’ve used them in real life with my wife.
I have always taken the dominant role in the relationship.
I don’t say, â€œI donâ€™t knowâ€, I always take point and lead the family to where it is we need to go, and when it comes to shielding the influence of a degenerative society I try to educate them without exposing them to everything that is going on.
I am the Shield and Spear of my family, I both protect and attack for them.
A part of that job is filtering the content which enters their minds. I try to balance it with enough exposure to be aware, without so much exposure that they live in a state of anxious fear.
I’ve explained to my wife how all of the modern day feminists had warped the word submissive, how all of the SJWs who make being a domestic wife a bad thing are wrong and I clarified to her that there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be Mrs. Big CEO.
Your woman may not understand why you are making the changes to your habits and routines; share some of it with her. Let her know that you want more and that you’re on a mission to be the best man you can be.
(Join the Fraternity of Excellence and be a part of a group of men who can help you become your best)
You donâ€™t have to bring her into the â€˜Manosphereâ€™ but you certainly can educate her on why youâ€™re eating better, lifting more, reading more, and taking an interest in ensuring that you and her are remaining lovers as opposed to co-parents or apathetic roommates.
Donâ€™t just let it be the “new you”; let her understand that youâ€™re raising your standard. Women want men; men who are decisive mature adults who can handle their shit.
Too many men out there are trying to share their feelings, refusing to accept men and women are different, and will literally identify closer to women than other men in an attempt to fit into the narrative society has spun for them.
Everyone loses when this happens, few realize this. Open the eyes of your wife and children, let them be aware of what’s wrong in society.
This is entirely dependent on your woman, but explaining these things made my wife not feel so alone, it made her feel that she wasn’t the only one who saw that there was a serious problem with where society is and where it is headed.
You have to understand your wife and how her mind works. Itâ€™s only then that you can make the call on what knowledge would make her better understand the path youâ€™re leading your clan down.
(Be Dominant, not domineering)
8. How to Run Text Game
A lot of men recommend you keep texting to logistics only and for 90% of the guys out there, I agree or at least in the beginning.
Once you get he hang of having fun and being sexy without being an obnoxious horny teen, then you can text your woman to keep the fire going even when you’re separated by proximity.
For those who know how to use texts as a sort of IV drip feed of arousal throughout the day, I think texts have their place. There’s a reason I neither allow people to take my cell nor do I have texts/images preview on the main screen.
My texts elicit a response that send her down the rabbit hole all day, you just have to know what to say and how to say it.
If you do it right and donâ€™t come across as needy or creepy, you can use text and pics to set the stage. Err on the side of responding too little and always keep it fun and flirtatious.
Do not rely solely on texts as you still have to game & kino in person, though you can certainly use them as accessories to your arsenal of sex inducing weapons that are employed to reach your end goal.
(You donâ€™t have to answer every email and text from your lady, you do know that right?)
9.Â You Need to Flirt With Your Woman
I fuck with my wife constantly.
You know the whole, pick on the girls at the playground concept?
Meaning you tease the girl you like, but you don’t let anyone else tease her? I do that and I have since we first got together, it keeps things fresh.
Why do I keep at it? Because it works and I am honestly enjoying my life and marriage.
Talking shit, pulling pranks, just straight fucking with your wife in a tactful way leads to a solid and healthy relationship.
I would never pull the chair out from under her as that would make her look stupid in front of everyone and/or sheâ€™d break her ass. However, I would replace her incense with a sparkler. (House went up like it was the 4th of July)
Iâ€™ll hide stuff, put things where she canâ€™t reach them, refuse to give a direct answer or give an overly complicated answer to any questions that she should know.
There is a fine line between being a mischievous man who gets her rolling and being a dick. Be mischievous in your dealings and always have her looking over her shoulder.
It can also be sexual, in fact it should be sexual.
(Sheâ€™s your woman, not your mom; she wants to have fun – so have fun and fuck with your wife)
10. Refuse to Lower the Standard From Which Excellence is Measured
You set the bar Gentlemen; YouÂ set the standard.
You set the bar from which your wife will judge other men and you set the bar from which your family will perform to. If you are reading, lifting, and improving yourself then your family should reflect that.
If you are doing all of the steps provided, then your wife should be so busy trying to keep up with your next move that she doesnâ€™t need the newness of another man or losing herself to mindlessly scrolling on social media daily.
I have shared some insight into how Iâ€™ve kept my wife attracted to me and how we’re keeping things fun throughout the passing years, I hope it’s helped or planted some seeds in your mind as to how you can mix things up.
I could write a novel on this subject, but if you do not apply what you’ve read and write, then itâ€™s useless.
The Family Alpha Motto is Acta, Non Verba which means Deeds, Not Words. You’ve got to implement better behaviors in your relationship to get better results, good luck.
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Thank you to those who do, your support of my work allows me to continue doing what I love while leading my family and helping men and women take responsibility for the direction of their life again.